How to Lose 5 Pounds in a Week

lose 9 pounds in a week

Lose 5 pounds in a week?  How did Facebook know I needed this?

I had this great idea that I would try to lose those pesky last 5 pounds in the week leading up to Doc. B’s 50th birthday.  You, know, get back to the svelte fighting weight I was maintaining when we met.  So what that I only had a week to do it.

So last Saturday morning I put on my best Pat Solitano, Jr. Silver Linings Playbook plastic garbage bag running attire and went out to sweat off a few kilos – neighbors can confirm my outfit.  Only problem is that it was 60 degrees…in Atlanta… in August.  So much for the sweating but what the heck, it was exercise.  I’m sad to report that, while jogging, I did NOT run into Katniss Everdeen, who by the way, was way better in Winter’s Bone than in Silver Lining’s Playbook.  Oh well, at least it was a good excuse to buy some new jogging shoes (that I do not plan to wear while stepping on the scale).

Then, besides my regular yoga practice, I did the following little extras to help tip the scale in my favor:

  1. Had blood drawn…twice.  Not on purpose.  After the first draw, the phlebotomist realized that the vial had expired.  Who knew that vials expire?  Anyway, she deftly distracted me by over-apologizing as she stuck the needle in my other arm.  And for the past week I’ve looked like a heroin addict with bruises on both elbow pits.
  2. Got my hair cut and brows plucked, but I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that I stopped short of a Brazilian wax.  Is it TMI to say that?  Like now you know that I don’t have a recent Brazilian wax, but you don’t know if I have the remnants of a Brazilian wax or if I’ve even ever had one.  Gotta keep you guessing.
  3. While at the hair salon, ate coffee cake while reading Shape magazine – did you know that if you do this the calories don’t count?
  4. Clipped finger and toe nails but did not add polish – there are pounds in polish.  Or is it polish sausage I’m thinking of?
  5. Listened to Click and Clack the Tappet brothers on Car Talk to lose a few brain cells.  But then listened to Lynne Rossetto Kasper on The Splendid Table and gained them all back.
  6. Popped fiber pills like they were Percocet (not that I would know what popping Percocet was like, or fiber pills for that matter – but if I’d have thought of it, I might have)
  7. Before stepping on the scale I Q-tipped my ears and then removed clothing, diamonds, cubic zirconia, toe rings, nose rings, earrings, tongue studs, hair ties and glasses.  I put the glasses back on after I remembered I can’t read the scale without them.  Then I subtracted one pound for the materials Kate Spade personally used to make them.

And guess what?  I did it!  Five pounds were gone by Doc B’s birthday! 

But… then we went out to dinner at Colbeh Persian Kitchen and One Eared Stag and I gained it all back.  Guess I’ll have to go on a silent meditation retreat to lose the 5 pounds again.  Good thing I have one of those in my near future.  I envision a pound loss per day with five days of food that only a lady who works at a health food store would eat.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Gnohmmmmmmmm

Gnohmmmmmmmm

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