In preparing for my annual beach vacation, I used part of a $25.00 Amazon gift card, that I received from the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians (it’s a long story), to purchase a “sit-on-the-ocean-front-deck-chair-while-I- drink-vodka-tonics” book. While I didn’t specifically ask for it, you’ll probably NOT be surprised to learn that Amazon knows so much about me that it decided to send me the large print version of Anna Quindlen’s Still Life With Bread Crumbs paperback. I guess they looked at my birth date and figured I needed some font magnification.
I used the remaining portion of my gift card on some turmeric root extract (isn’t it amazing what you can get from Amazon?). The turmeric, not Amazon, was a recommendation from my yoga teacher after I divulged that I was having some tooth extraction without Novocain level pain when trying to get my right knee into half lotus. Bummer – he didn’t suggest or offer any laughing gas. Oh, and before the turmeric suggestion, our conversation went something like this:
Me: It hurts when I try to get into half lotus.
Teacher: Don’t do half lotus.
Apparently knee pain is a pretty common issue in yoga so this was not just some symptom magnification – trust me, I read it on the internet. Anyway, turmeric, and yoga, are supposed to be good for your joints, no matter what type of roach clip you use.
Then last night Doc B. excitedly informed me that REI was having a 20% off one item extravaganza and did I want to (read this next part out loud with your own sexy voice just for fun) “drive on over, look for some birthday binoculars and then grab dinner on Buford Highway?” Of course I did! It’s prime birding season and those little wings, and feathers, and crowns, and beaks needed some magnification. Why wait until my birthday to enjoy? And some good Pho on the Buford can never be turned down.
We got in late last night (defined as 8 pm) and promptly placed the birthday binocular box under the tree (i.e., the bonsai on the buffet) so that this morning I could open it up in dramatic fashion. So I nestled myself all snug in my bed with visions of hummingbirds dancing in my head. And Doc B in her jammies and me with my painful kneecap, we settled in for a long catnap. The sun on the breast of the new-fallen pollen, gave the luster of a nicely tanned Guatemalan.
Okay, that rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas didn’t work as well as I’d planned so back to the story. We’ll just say that this morning was like birthday morning – I tore open the binocular box and got out the instructions.
First task, attach the neck strap “as illustrated” in Diagram A. They didn’t indicate that I would need my trifocals AND a brain to do this. It took me about 15 minutes to attach one side and then another 15 minutes on the other side, 13 of which were spent trying to remember how I attached the first side. Then, before I could go out and look for birds, it was highly recommended that I thoroughly review the safety precautions and then keep the instructions within easy reach.
Really? How hard could it be to press my glasses against the eyecups, turn the focusing ring on the central shaft, adjust the interpupillary distance, twist the dioptre ring and find a dang bird through the objective lens and magnify it? Turns out it’s quite complicated. There are plenty of dos and don’ts in not only English but also in Spanish, French and Portuguese.
Here are a few for you to “caption this” along with me – just think of it like a New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest (in which I participate each week by the way)…
Let the countdown to vacation begin!