It’s all about Magnification…oh, and Discounts

Love those Cherokee Indians!

Love those Cherokee Indians!

In preparing for my annual beach vacation, I used part of a $25.00 Amazon gift card, that I received from the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians (it’s a long story), to purchase a “sit-on-the-ocean-front-deck-chair-while-I- drink-vodka-tonics” book.  While I didn’t specifically ask for it, you’ll probably NOT be surprised to learn that Amazon knows so much about me that it decided to send me the large print version of Anna Quindlen’s Still Life With Bread Crumbs paperback.  I guess they looked at my birth date and figured I needed some font magnification.

I used the remaining portion of my gift card on some turmeric root extract (isn’t it amazing what you can get from Amazon?).  The turmeric, not Amazon, was a recommendation from my yoga teacher after I divulged that I was having some tooth extraction without Novocain level pain when trying to get my right knee into half lotus.  Bummer – he didn’t suggest or offer any laughing gas. Oh, and before the turmeric suggestion, our conversation went something like this:

Me: It hurts when I try to get into half lotus.

Teacher: Don’t do half lotus.

Apparently knee pain is a pretty common issue in yoga so this was not just some symptom magnification – trust me, I read it on the internet.  Anyway, turmeric, and yoga, are supposed to be good for your joints, no matter what type of roach clip you use.

Blue Bird squatters rights

Blue Bird squatters – all I want to do is to be able to see these cute things up close and personal!

Then last night Doc B. excitedly informed me that REI was having a 20% off one item extravaganza and did I want to (read this next part out loud with your own sexy voice just for fun) “drive on over, look for some birthday binoculars and then grab dinner on Buford Highway?” Of course I did!  It’s prime birding season and those little wings, and feathers, and crowns, and beaks needed some magnification.  Why wait until my birthday to enjoy?  And some good Pho on the Buford can never be turned down.

We got in late last night (defined as 8 pm) and promptly placed the birthday binocular box under the tree (i.e., the bonsai on the buffet) so that this morning I could open it up in dramatic fashion. So I nestled myself all snug in my bed with visions of hummingbirds dancing in my head.  And Doc B in her jammies and me with my painful kneecap, we settled in for a long catnap.  The sun on the breast of the new-fallen pollen, gave the luster of a nicely tanned Guatemalan.

Okay, that rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas didn’t work as well as I’d planned so back to the story.  We’ll just say that this morning was like birthday morning – I tore open the binocular box and got out the instructions.

Diagram A - how to thread the neckstrap

Diagram A – how to thread the neckstrap

First task, attach the neck strap “as illustrated” in Diagram A.  They didn’t indicate that I would need my trifocals AND a brain to do this.  It took me about 15 minutes to attach one side and then another 15 minutes on the other side, 13 of which were spent trying to remember how I attached the first side. Then, before I could go out and look for birds, it was highly recommended that I thoroughly review the safety precautions and then keep the instructions within easy reach.

Really? How hard could it be to press my glasses against the eyecups, turn the focusing ring on the central shaft, adjust the interpupillary distance, twist the dioptre ring and find a dang bird through the objective lens and magnify it?  Turns out it’s quite complicated.  There are plenty of dos and don’ts in not only English but also in Spanish, French and Portuguese.

Here are a few for you to “caption this” along with me – just think of it like a New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest (in which I participate each week by the way)…

OMG the sun is going to fry me like an egg!

OMG the sun is going to fry me like an egg!  I must look away!  Who cares about vitamin D!

 

 

Fig. 12: Do put double parenthases around your brushes.  Fig. 13: Don't drink any booze while you point at your binoculars with a handkerchief wrapped around your pointer finger.

Fig. 12: Please DO put double parentheses around your brushes. Fig. 13: Don’t drink any booze while you gently touch your binoculars with a handkerchief wrapped around your pointer finger.

Fig. 2: don't kick a pineapple while you are walking with binoculars.  Fig. 3: Unless it's someone trying to steal your expensive binoculars, do not use them to smack someone in the head.

Fig. 2: don’t kick a pineapple while you are walking with binoculars. Fig. 3: Unless it’s someone trying to steal your expensive binoculars, do not use them to smack someone in the head.

Fig. 4: Don't stick your finger in there - period - just don't do it.  Fig. 5: Don't set down your binoculars and then let your baby blow bubbles.

Fig. 4: Don’t stick your finger in there – period – just don’t do it. Fig. 5: Don’t set down your binoculars and then let your baby blow bubbles.

Fig. 10: Do wrap your binoculars in a see-through bag with something called dessicant.  Fig. 11: Don't buy a pair of binoculars as big as your car tires or as big as the sun.

Fig. 10: DO wrap your binoculars in a see-through twist-tied bag and desiccate it. Fig. 11: Don’t buy a pair of binoculars as big as your car tires and then try to roast them under the sun like a hot dog.

Let the countdown to vacation begin!

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